bedroom designs for girls and boys image
pat m
What exactly is it trying to teach? A moral of the story?
Answer
Teaching "abstinence only" is in principle the same whether it is to girls or to boys, except that some tweaks here and there need to be made to accommodate for the genders' psychological differences. Basically, boys give love to get sex, while girls give sex to get love. Girls want to be loved and understood, while boys want to be respected and trusted. And so the teachings should adjust accordingly to the genders' persepectives.
"What it teaches", and "the moral of the story", though, is more complex. I think teaching abstinence in a culture that doesn't support the practice is almost pointless, because there are issues that are much bigger than "don't have sex outside the bounds of a faithful monogamous relationship". Sex ed is not designed to address those issues.
In order for abstinence to work for someone, he or she needs to: (1) have an inherent value system that puts abstinence high on someone's moral priority, and (2) be part of a community that supports that value system and will keep him or her accountable for it. Otherwise, abstinence can't work because it's simply counter to human nature.
(1) For most people, this is has to do with coming from a family that practices and advocates abstinence, and discourages sexual activity in unmarried family members. They typically grew up being taught that sex is meant to be saved for a faithful monogamous relationship with a long term love partner; and thus they also acquire a different understanding of love, romantic relationship, and family compared to other people who don't believe in abstinence. It's that complex value system and its various components in function that enables one to make the supposedly impossible commitment of abstinence.
Some other people can also acquire this change of value system later in life. But that doesn't happen without some serious life reprogramming and a lot of sacrifice.
(2) In the West today, most of society don't support the value system needed in order to make abstinence work. The norm is, "If it feels good and hurts no one, then do it."
In the Orient, however, abstinence is still greatly valued. I live in Southeast Asia, and even in big cities it is still common for educational institutions and NGO's to advocate abstinence instead of "safe sex" (although the latter is encouraged in the specific context of marriage). Extramarital sexual activities that are commonly tolerated in the West (e.g. cohabitation, sleeping with one's boyfriend or girlfriend, or losing one's virginity during one's teenhood) is typically frowned upon, and could mean losing favor with society.
Having said that, this does not mean that abstinence can't work in the West, or always works in the East. I've spent half my life living in the West, including half my teenhood and my early twenties, and I made it. Likewise, I also know a number of friends who have never left this part of the world, but have slept with a number of people since their teenhood and don't feel an inch of guilt about it. I come from the Southeast Asian country with the highest annual rate of abortions and a thriving prostitution industry, despite these being illegal here.
In the West, extra effort may need to be made to become part of a community that supports abstinence. Joining a single men or single women's mentorship group at a church is one example.
In both the East and the West, lifestyle changes need to be adopted for abstinence to work out. For instance, if you don't want to end up going all the way each time you're seeing someone new, you may want to start off by not making a habit of seeing someone new each time you fancy them, but rather keep some distance for awhile to observe that person as a friend. And if you do decide to see them, you're there to commit. You keep your clothes on, away from the bedroom, and keep your physical relationship to no more than holding hands and hugs, lest anything beyond that makes sex too difficult to avoid. You don't look up porn or any other material that would otherwise arouse your desires. You don't live with or stay overnight at your partner's, and you don't let your partners bed down at yours either.
Teaching "abstinence only" is in principle the same whether it is to girls or to boys, except that some tweaks here and there need to be made to accommodate for the genders' psychological differences. Basically, boys give love to get sex, while girls give sex to get love. Girls want to be loved and understood, while boys want to be respected and trusted. And so the teachings should adjust accordingly to the genders' persepectives.
"What it teaches", and "the moral of the story", though, is more complex. I think teaching abstinence in a culture that doesn't support the practice is almost pointless, because there are issues that are much bigger than "don't have sex outside the bounds of a faithful monogamous relationship". Sex ed is not designed to address those issues.
In order for abstinence to work for someone, he or she needs to: (1) have an inherent value system that puts abstinence high on someone's moral priority, and (2) be part of a community that supports that value system and will keep him or her accountable for it. Otherwise, abstinence can't work because it's simply counter to human nature.
(1) For most people, this is has to do with coming from a family that practices and advocates abstinence, and discourages sexual activity in unmarried family members. They typically grew up being taught that sex is meant to be saved for a faithful monogamous relationship with a long term love partner; and thus they also acquire a different understanding of love, romantic relationship, and family compared to other people who don't believe in abstinence. It's that complex value system and its various components in function that enables one to make the supposedly impossible commitment of abstinence.
Some other people can also acquire this change of value system later in life. But that doesn't happen without some serious life reprogramming and a lot of sacrifice.
(2) In the West today, most of society don't support the value system needed in order to make abstinence work. The norm is, "If it feels good and hurts no one, then do it."
In the Orient, however, abstinence is still greatly valued. I live in Southeast Asia, and even in big cities it is still common for educational institutions and NGO's to advocate abstinence instead of "safe sex" (although the latter is encouraged in the specific context of marriage). Extramarital sexual activities that are commonly tolerated in the West (e.g. cohabitation, sleeping with one's boyfriend or girlfriend, or losing one's virginity during one's teenhood) is typically frowned upon, and could mean losing favor with society.
Having said that, this does not mean that abstinence can't work in the West, or always works in the East. I've spent half my life living in the West, including half my teenhood and my early twenties, and I made it. Likewise, I also know a number of friends who have never left this part of the world, but have slept with a number of people since their teenhood and don't feel an inch of guilt about it. I come from the Southeast Asian country with the highest annual rate of abortions and a thriving prostitution industry, despite these being illegal here.
In the West, extra effort may need to be made to become part of a community that supports abstinence. Joining a single men or single women's mentorship group at a church is one example.
In both the East and the West, lifestyle changes need to be adopted for abstinence to work out. For instance, if you don't want to end up going all the way each time you're seeing someone new, you may want to start off by not making a habit of seeing someone new each time you fancy them, but rather keep some distance for awhile to observe that person as a friend. And if you do decide to see them, you're there to commit. You keep your clothes on, away from the bedroom, and keep your physical relationship to no more than holding hands and hugs, lest anything beyond that makes sex too difficult to avoid. You don't look up porn or any other material that would otherwise arouse your desires. You don't live with or stay overnight at your partner's, and you don't let your partners bed down at yours either.
How will you educate your children?
Fabian Sch
What do you plan for your child? Do you have any plans? Will you let them do sports early? What about languages? What gender do you hope your child to be of? What will you do different if you get a boy / a girl? Have you learned from your own childhood and youth? What? Did you have any children yet and did you learn from this experience?
OK these are many questions, simply answer whatever gets into your mind, I consider this a brainstorming.
I'm still 14 years old so don't wonder whether I'm planning to have a child :P
Answer
To be honest I haven't really thought about it, having children isn't exactly top of my priorities list at the moment.
- Ideally I think I'd like two boys and a girl, with my son being the eldest.
- I will teach my children to be bilingual. My Grandmother is French but for some reason my father never taught me the language when I was younger, so I've had to learn it along the way (and still am) I'll make sure my children speak it as fluently as English. If I pick up any more languages before they arrive on the scene I'll teach them that as well.
- My family is quite musical and artistic (I started to play the piano when I was 2) so I'd like to introduce them to it at an early age just to see if they have an interest and/or talent for it and to develop it if they want to.
- I'll make sure that my children take to water like a fish. I grew up over-looking the sea from my bedroom window and spent countless hours in the water. Whether or not I raise my own children by the sea I'll at least make sure they know how to swim and can visit their local pool frequently.
- I'll gradually teach them to take hard work in their stride.
- Sports? I'd like them to be active and if they take an interest in a particular sport I'll encourage it but I'm not going to force them to participate. Just as long as they don't sit around all day I'll be content.
- I'll encourage a love of learning.
- I'll teach all of them to be able to hold themselves in a fight and to be independent. I was always "one of the guys" growing up and being able to rough it was a requirement. There was one child in our area who would fuss over every little thing from not getting his way, being denied a toy to cutting his knee and often stormed off with the phrase "I'm telling" he was not very popular and I wouldn't want my children to get the idea that they need to run to mummy and daddy for everything. I'd make sure they knew they could come to me, but to try and fend for themselves as well.
- As for school. I'm really not sure. I'm leaning towards a private school rather than a public one (if I can afford it) you learn more life lessons in a public school but I've also seen how it can destroy people and hold them back from their true potential. My cousin went completely off the rails in public school because of stress and peer pressure, my other cousin excelled in every way. I only attended public school for a few years but in the end I was home tutored as I was always moving around with my family, I did miss being with my peers. Being home tutored you can learn at your own pace and depth, you don't get the social benefits, but you do tend to have a richer depth of knowledge (so long as your serious in your studies) with public school you get the social benefits of interacting with peers and learning to grow emotionally, but you can only go as far in your studies as the school allows and the school allows a very narrow margin designed to fit the "average student" you're held back if you're above it and you're left to struggle if you're below it. Private school seems to be the middle ground.
The other option being a Grammar School.
- I'll encourage them to be extroverts.
- I'll teach them to be respectful, especially to elders.
To be honest I haven't really thought about it, having children isn't exactly top of my priorities list at the moment.
- Ideally I think I'd like two boys and a girl, with my son being the eldest.
- I will teach my children to be bilingual. My Grandmother is French but for some reason my father never taught me the language when I was younger, so I've had to learn it along the way (and still am) I'll make sure my children speak it as fluently as English. If I pick up any more languages before they arrive on the scene I'll teach them that as well.
- My family is quite musical and artistic (I started to play the piano when I was 2) so I'd like to introduce them to it at an early age just to see if they have an interest and/or talent for it and to develop it if they want to.
- I'll make sure that my children take to water like a fish. I grew up over-looking the sea from my bedroom window and spent countless hours in the water. Whether or not I raise my own children by the sea I'll at least make sure they know how to swim and can visit their local pool frequently.
- I'll gradually teach them to take hard work in their stride.
- Sports? I'd like them to be active and if they take an interest in a particular sport I'll encourage it but I'm not going to force them to participate. Just as long as they don't sit around all day I'll be content.
- I'll encourage a love of learning.
- I'll teach all of them to be able to hold themselves in a fight and to be independent. I was always "one of the guys" growing up and being able to rough it was a requirement. There was one child in our area who would fuss over every little thing from not getting his way, being denied a toy to cutting his knee and often stormed off with the phrase "I'm telling" he was not very popular and I wouldn't want my children to get the idea that they need to run to mummy and daddy for everything. I'd make sure they knew they could come to me, but to try and fend for themselves as well.
- As for school. I'm really not sure. I'm leaning towards a private school rather than a public one (if I can afford it) you learn more life lessons in a public school but I've also seen how it can destroy people and hold them back from their true potential. My cousin went completely off the rails in public school because of stress and peer pressure, my other cousin excelled in every way. I only attended public school for a few years but in the end I was home tutored as I was always moving around with my family, I did miss being with my peers. Being home tutored you can learn at your own pace and depth, you don't get the social benefits, but you do tend to have a richer depth of knowledge (so long as your serious in your studies) with public school you get the social benefits of interacting with peers and learning to grow emotionally, but you can only go as far in your studies as the school allows and the school allows a very narrow margin designed to fit the "average student" you're held back if you're above it and you're left to struggle if you're below it. Private school seems to be the middle ground.
The other option being a Grammar School.
- I'll encourage them to be extroverts.
- I'll teach them to be respectful, especially to elders.
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